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I actually started an entry back on Dec. 20th, but I didn’t get very far.  It has been difficult to focus on things. I am sure it isn’t a big surprise that I struggled through the festive parts of the Christmas season.  The question may be, do you celebrate?  Some people may think that it’s wrong, because we are mourning;  but I asked Ben if he wanted to put Christmas lights up outside.  He did, and he and I put lights on the areas that Gary use to do first.  The roof of the garage, and on Ben’s swing/tower.   Even though I was sad, I thought it was more important for Ben to have as “normal” of a holiday as he could without his dad.  Each person handles their grief differently, and yes there were moments that I just wanted to crawl back in bed and not get up until it was all over.  It is unbelievable how something little can start the tears falling… I had trouble when one of Gary’s catalogs would come… especially Cabella’s (and there are a lot of those.)  I had trouble making decisions. Luckily family and friends understood, and were there to make suggestions or make the plans.

Christmas has always been special to me (second only to Thanksgiving.)   Gary and I would get our tree from a family stand on Grand Ave, and then the kids would come over and help decorate.  Each ornament brings back memories.  Gary and I always put on our 2 “First Christmas” ornaments before any others – one is a time capsule with brief descriptions of our Christmas celebrations together… I think I will add to that this year… and close it. 

Ben and I got a tree.  We went out with my brother’s family and chopped one down… but it took me 5 days to want to decorate it.  We put the tree up on a Monday, and as of  Wednesday it still wasn’t decorated.  That night, after putting Ben to bed, I was sitting on the couch when I noticed something on the tree.  Ben had felt sorry for it, so he hung his dirty socks as ornaments.  I found a GI Joe machine gun hanging on a branch the next night.  That is when I knew I couldn’t wait any longer… who knows what I might have found next.  It was hard not having Gary’s kids with us this year.  Out of the last 10 years, I think they missed only one.  I saved out their special ornaments in case they came over.

The station held it’s annual Christmas party on Dec. 19th.  This was particularly hard for me. I did not go this year.  I was not ready for that. Gary really enjoyed this night. He loved that we got dressed up, and went on our “special date.”  I think he mostly loved the appetizers.  It is quite the festive occasion, and I can not imagine what it would be like without him at my side.

I struggled withwhether or not I should write a Christmas letter… Gary and I used to write ours together, taking turns telling the exciting adventures that we would have. (at least we thought they were exciting.)  Ben said we should have a letter, and I apologize if you did not receive one.  After we were married, I got in the habit of writing down the things we did on the calendar.  It helped us remember all the fun activities, plus reminded us about what was important.  I continue to do this today, and one night I pulled down my calendar and read through our entries from 2009.  It was a night full of tears.  I know I lived this with him, but the struggles that Gary faced, the pain, the sickness.  I am shocked at how often he was in the hospital or how often he was sick.  I still hear him saying, “I’m doing good.”   It’s funny how my mind remembers the fun stuff more readily… sledding down Big Dutch… snowmobiling and 4 wheeling… the Hilliker BBQ… fishing… Los Angeles … playing games with the kids.  If you have ever played Mad Gab, all I have to say is A1 Steak Sauce.  That had Gary laughing for a half hour!

Now a new year has started.  I can’t help but look back at the past decade and think about how lucky I truly am.  Gary made me the luckiest woman around and if I could go back, knowing what I know now… I would do it all again, and more.  I would try and have us take a few more vacations together.  I wish we had driven down to Illinois to visit Gary’s Grandma more (we only made it once.)  I would also try not to take our love for granted.  I think it is very easy to get caught up in every day activities and before you know it, a week has gone by and you hardly stopped to take a moment together.  Who knows what the next day will bring.  I think Gary would agree with me about taking vacations, although I think he would go back and complete some of the projects that he wanted to do.  I know he wanted our bathroom finished along with a number of other jobs.  We had some big dreams together – my number one dream was growing old with him.

I hadn’t made any plans for New Year’s Eve.  Gary and/or I worked many of the New Year’s holidays over the past decade.  If we weren’t working, we would get together with a few friends, or have the kids over and eat and play games. My parents asked me if I wanted them to come down this year.  They, along with my brothers family had been with us for Christmas.  I was talking to my mom on the phone, and told her that eventually I would have to be alone on a holiday… Ben stood up, looked at me and said “Mom, your not alone.  You have me!”  How sweet was that.  My parents did come, and we had what Ben calls “A table full of food.”  I did see the clock turn to 12:00 that night.  I was laying in bed, watching something that Gary had recorded.  I said happy New Year to him, and turned out the light.

It is now January 4th and it has been 3 months since Gary died.  I still feel him with me.  A feeling I hope I keep forever.  I miss my best friend.  I miss the kids.  A friend of our family sent me a quote by Helen Keller.  It says… “What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose. For all that we love deeply becomes a part of us.”  I believe that fits Gary and I.  We loved deeply.  I take comfort in this thought.  I love Gary and the kids, and they will be a part of me forever.