Through a Wife’s Eyes: One Month
It has now been a month since Gary died. I thought of him all day long yesterday. I wonder if there are milestones to pass when grieving? If a month is one of those milestones… it isn’t getting any easier. In fact it seems to be harder.
Maybe it’s because this past week and a half has been filled with memories of Gary. Tuesday was election night, a big event for the station and one that Gary and I usually worked on together. Of course we had our technical problems, and I know if Gary had been there they would have been solved without much effort. Scott Salveson (Gary’s close friend) came by the station to help. I find it difficult to be by Gary’s old desk, so I had been staying away… but because of elections, I spent quite a bit of time there, or looking over notes that Gary wrote. From a viewer standpoint and a vote total standpoint, election night was a success. For me, not so much. I missed having Gary there.
It is also open enrollment time for our Health Insurance. Another thing I used to do with Gary. Okay… he did it, I just went along for the ride. Now I have to pay attention… change my “status” (which to me is still married!)… it is painful.
Now throw in hunting. Gary LOVED to hunt and for the past 10 or so years he had been hunting in one place or another with my dad and brothers. Once Jon and Steven were old enough, they joined him and boy was Gary proud of that. It was something that he looked forward to every year. I used to joke with him… from February to May, all Gary talked about was the fishing opener and going on the “guys-only” camping trip … from August on… it was hunting, hunting, hunting. I was even told we couldn’t get married in May or November!
Up until 10 days before his death, Gary was still talking about how he was going to get out hunting with his sons. He even set things up with my brother Jim so that if something were to happen… Steven and Jon would be invited to hunt with my brothers. Luckily things worked out and they will be out in the woods this weekend looking for that perfect buck. I have a feeling that Gary will be at Steven’s side, maybe tapping him on the shoulder when a deer crosses his path. Gary loved sharing a deer stand with Steve – he said he could take a nap, and Steve would sit so quietly and then wake him up if a deer came into the area. Steven did most of the work. They had been pretty lucky these last couple of years. He looked forward to sharing this interest with Ben too.
Halloween was rough as well. Ben came by the station after school on Friday to show off his costume. He and his dad got into the habit of watching NCIS together. Since then, Ben wanted to dress up like Agent Gibbs. (Mark Harmon’s character.) I tried to change his mind, but that was what he went as. Agent Gibbs, NCIS investigator. This was the first time Ben had been in the station since his dad died. He used to run back to Gary’s desk and play “work” on his computer, or fix this microwave or take the satellite truck out. It was more emotional for me, but I noticed that it was difficult for Ben as well.
We had the kids last year for Halloween and it worked out that everyone got dressed up. Even Gary! I thought about that a lot while Ben was trick-o-treating. Deborah was an old woman, Steven was a Soldier, Elisabeth was Sharpay (not sure on the spelling) from High School Musical, and Ben was a crocodile. At the last minute, I decided to dress up as an old man, and Gary surprised us when he came up from the basement wearing his carharts, my grandpa’s old miner hat and holding a pic-ax. Gary also enjoyed when the kids came over and carved their pumpkins.
On the lighter side, the kids came over Wednesday night for a couple of hours. Ben was SO excited to see his brothers and sisters. We got caught up on what has been happening in their lives, played a game of Clue (which Steven won) and had pizza. We had a nice time. Nice to laugh a bit. Ben misses them a lot. Jon came over at about 8:30 and he and Steven got their hunting gear ready.
Ben seems to be doing alright most of the time. Although he doesn’t understand why the kids aren’t here more, and occasionally he cries and asks for his daddy back. That is difficult to see. So it has been tough these past few days. I just need to keep reminding myself that Gary is always close to me, and that these memories will keep him there.
Sue, I’m sorry that you are having hard time this fall. In our bipolar support group, we always try to talk about a good thing, when we are talking about our kids. Maybe, when you are sad, you can make an effort to think of a good time you shared with Gary. I know my neighbor, Paula, still thinks of Karry often. Just cherish the memories and talk to Gary. I’m sure he is close by. I’m praying, that God gives you the strength you need to get through this difficult time. Writing on this blog is good therapy, and we all want to know how you are doing. Thank you for keeping us informed.
I’m glad that you could spend some time with the kids. I’m sure they need that time with you. They are great kids. Give Ben a hug.
Love and prayers, Twila and George
Thank you for sharing this. We all wonder how you are doing and it is so nice you share this with all of us. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Grief is so difficult, don’t follow anyone else’s timetable…only your own. Allow yourself to grieve and know you are very loved…by MANY people. =)
Grieving lasts a long time, Sue, and it comes in waves, or pops up unexpectedly. I think about my gram every time I see a beautiful flower, every time I go to craft shows – I keep a scarf of hers near my bed & sometimes I wrap it around my neck because it still smells like her (that’s like instant comfort). I miss my dad every day – I see him in all 3 of the boys. Whenever Collin talks, it’s like my dad has been reincarnated. I wondered how you were doing at work, since work was Gary, too. I’m glad the kids are coming to visit – Ben needs them and so do you. They’re good kids – I’m sure they appreciate their little brother (& you, too, Sue)Scott had a hard time on Tuesday, too…I’m glad things went ok. If you need someone to listen – never hesitate to call,Sue. I think about you, Ben and the kids often.
Thanks for sharing Sue. Don’t forget to ask for help and keep taking care of yourself too.
I can’t believe it has been a month. I know it seems like a long time for you though.
Thinking of you and Ben,
Jimenez family
I’m glad that it worked out for Ben to see Deborah, Steven, and Elisabeth this week. I imagine that it was difficult for the kids as it was the first time at the house without Dad there. I worry about them alot, having to deal with losing a parent at such young ages, but they seem to be handling it okay. It sure is bringing us kids even closer together. We talk about Dad alot, look at pictures, and just try to focus on the good memories we did get to have with him rather than what we won’t have.
I know it will get easier with time, but I still have crying spells when I see some of the pictures or read the blog. I am trying to work on a scrapbook of Gary for his kids, but often have to stop because the memories start the tears again. So, Sue, don’t make any fast decision on doing some of the things some people will expect you to do. Take your time.
We are still here, thinking about you and wondering how things are going.
It will take some time, Sue – and every one is different as to how much time it takes, so don’t let anyone try to rush you or make you feel guilty about your feelings. Until you fashion a life for yourself, where your first thought is NOT that you have to remember to tell him something, or ask him first, etc., it will continue to be hard. Once you get past those first hurdles, it slowly will become easier. The empty sad feeling will never completely go away, and as another person said here, as things come up like a milestone for your son that Gary would have been so impressed with, you will have those really bad moments. One day, just a young couple walking down the street holding hands set me off. You just don’t know what will trigger it or when. I quit going to church because every time they prayed for the dead I started crying and cried all the way home! I figured I didn’t need to be causing myself that pain. I can do my praying in private in a way that it doesn’t hurt quite so much. Hang in there, I promise that, with time, it will get better.
Sue,
Each morning in my discussion with God, I ask Him to continue to give you the strength and love you need to get through these difficult times. It is through His strength and love that you will manage and continue with life. You may never receive an answer but knowing that God’s love surrounds us and is now surrounding Gary more powerfully than any of us can imagine will help you through any difficult time.
Keith
I am so glad that all the Children were together. They do need to have life go on as it always had when Gary was alive. It helps everyone to cope if they are connected to each other.
Thank you for continuing to write on the blog. It is good to hear how you and the family are doing.
The saddness will continue forever it is just the out flow of our love we had and still have for anyone who was part of our life. It takes time for the tears to become less often but we never know when they might appear.
Our love and thoughts are with everyone who misses Gary. Pat and David