Through a Wife’s Eyes: Where to Go from Here
Today is Gary’s 48th birthday. Happy birthday honey! I have been trying to submit a post on this blog since the funeral, but it is very difficult finding the words. Someone asked me yesterday if my days were getting any better.  I had to think about that question… for me, the days aren’t getting better… but there are some “better” moments in each day. I will admit that having Benjamin, gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning.Â
There are a lot of questions that I do not know the answer to… there are so many things that need to be done, it’s difficult knowing where to start. I tend to focus on the smaller things, and one question I have is what to do with this blog. I have not figured out the answer to that yet, but I wanted to make at least one more entry.  I am not sure if anyone is still following.
I’ve been keeping a close watch on the calendar. On Oct. 21st, it had been a month since I brought Gary home from the hospital, and we stopped chemotherapy. Looking back on that day, I know that neither of us thought things were going to move so quickly. Boy do I miss him.
The week after Gary’s death was filled with planning the funeral. Looking back on it, I am not sure I remember doing everything. I got up in the morning… met with people that I needed to meet with… ate a little… cleaned up a few things… visited with family and friends… and went to sleep. I spoke to Gary a lot! I still do. In case you didn’t see it, here is a link to his obituary, I am not sure how long it will be active though.
I think Gary’s Memorial was wonderful. Gary did not want a somber, morbid sendoff… and I wanted it to be a celebration of a man who fought a fight with courage, strength and faith, and still lived a life full of love for his family, and interest in his work and hobbies. I think we succeeded in creating that celebration. I know I did not want that day to end.
For those of you who weren’t able to be there, Deacon Dennis Anderson officiated the service at the Cremation Society. Denny worked with Gary and I for the past 18 years as our news anchor. He spoke beautifully about Gary. I asked Gary’s best friend Scott Salveson to say a few words about their friendship and to read a couple of comments that were made on this blog. Scott and Gary had been friends since high school. It was one of those friendships that even though they didn’t talk often… it was like no time passed when they did.  I wouldn’t be able to count how many times Gary said to me, “I should call Scott.”  My hope was to show a side to Gary that other’s may not have known.
I asked our News Director (my boss) Steve Goodspeed to read his posting from this blog. A number of people had mentioned to me how much they enjoyed reading his comments. I thought that he hit the nail right on the head describing what Gary did at the station. You can read it at Status Update: October 2 (Through a Wife’s Eyes) My hopes were to cover every part of Gary’s life… his love for his kids, his love of life, and how brilliant he was. Gary’s uncle Dave read the first reading, Psalm 23 and my nephew Braeden read 2 Corinthians 5.Â
We had asked my cousin Linda and her husband Terry to sing at the funeral. They had also sang at our wedding. Their daughter Em accompanied them as well. I chose 3 songs… the first was a traditional song, “How Great Thou Art”; then “On Eagle’s Wings”; and the last song was the song Gary picked out as OUR song… “Keeper of the Stars” by Tracy Bird. I cried during that.  I had played that song for Gary during the week before his death. I would put it on low, put my head near his and “we” would sing together. I really felt like it had a calming effect on him.
The flowers for the funeral were beautiful, thank you to all who sent them. We had a light meal after the service and enjoyed visiting with everyone afterward. Would you believe there were over 200 people there? Some people that I hadn’t seen for a long time. Gary would have been so surprised. We had photo boards out for display – one showed Gary growing up, the second had pictures of Gary with his kids. The third one was a montage of every thing Gary loved in his life (minus him working at the computer, because I couldn’t find a picture of that.) There were pictures of him fishing with Steven and Ben, riding 4 wheelers with Deb and Elisabeth, hunting with Jon and Steven, camping, shooting. I still have the boards up in my living room, and I think that helps me. I talk to him every night and tell him about my day. We also had other photos and mementos at the funeral, his Channel 10 & 13 hat, a computer mouse, fishing gear, pine cones - I even put together a few pictures from our trip to Dancing With the Stars, and his Aunt Pat put together a wonderful album of Gary growing up.
Again, I wanted to make sure this was a celebration that Gary would have been happy with. After a short while, a couple of coolers came out and everyone who wanted to join in had a beer in Gary’s honor. I said a short toast, thanking everyone for being there. Afterward, family and friends came back to our house to tell visit, eat more and tell stories about Gary. This is how he would have liked it, everyone relaxed and smiling. Cheers to you my love. Always.
* Since Gary’s death, my family has known two more people who passed away because of pancreatic cancer. A long-time family friend was diagnosed about 6 months after Gary, and a cousin of my sister-in-law was diagnosed in June. My prayers go out to them and their families and I pray that more can be done to find a cure for this disease.
Sue, it’s really good to see you post. I’ve thought about you often in the last few weeks and hoped you were doing okay. The service sounds like a wonderful celebration full of love, memories and fellowship. I wish I could tell you a time-table for grieving, but there isn’t one. I know that right now you probably think of Gary non stop (and hopefully that brings some comfort as well as pain). One day you will be surprised to see that you’ve gone an hour or afternoon without that heavy weight … and I guess that’s when you turn the corner a bit.
As for the blog, I know you have close family members and friends that will weigh in since they know you better and know what will help you the most. Speaking as one who grew to admire and care about you and Gary through this struggle, I can’t help but hope to hear more from you. If it’s painful, of course, that might influence your decision … nobody wants this to be a gaping pain in your heart. But if writing here is cathartic for you or you need a place to put down your thoughts and work through this terrible process that IS part of the pancreatic cancer experience, well, I think there are probably an awful lot of people who want to be here to support you and hear from you whether it’s a month, a year or even several years. It’s all part of the journey you’re on.
Happy birthday Gary.
Sue, I agree with Juji, I check this blog every day and I say prayers for you and Ben, and the rest of your family every day. You are in my morning and my evening thoughts and prayers. Certainly, if this is too difficult, then don’t do it. But I know, with Jon and his family and all they deal with with Justin’s bipolar issues, sometimes it just does them good to sit down and write someting. I had checked this blog last night and thought I should write you a letter. Well, I just did. God works in mysterious ways!
The celebration of Gary’s life sounds wonderful, I wish we could have been there. Since our neighbor is on the same journey that you are on, I feel your pain more vividly. We share hugs and talk about her husband. Their son is older than Ben, a junior in high school. He is a football player and Friday night, she talked about Karry being there and feeling his presence. Karry and Gary were the same age. We have talked about you and Ben. She always gets teary then and we both have a little cry.
I still talk to Dad, not as often as I used to, but we all feel his presence sometimes. I’m hoping we will see you and Ben at the Dells, stay strong and continue to heal. I have enjoyed hearing from Gary’s older kids on Facebook. It makes us feel closer to all of you. Love and prayers, Twila and George
Sue,this blog is followed much more than you know… even now – today. Happy Birthday Gary – you’re truly missed…
With our love,
Glen and Sandy
Happy Birthday, Gary!
I am sure God has Gary working on the “heaven network” checking all the connections and making sure everyone in in perfect communications “up there”. Who better than Gary to do that for God?
I am still looking at the blog…thinking of you and Ben…in prayer for you as I am sure this is a very confusing time, and understandably so.
I wanted to be at Gary’s funeral (celebration), but was too sick. But, just know, I was there in thought.
I think you ought to keep the blog for at least the next year as a way for you to write and express how you and Ben and the kids are doing during different times, without him. The holidays, fishing and hunting, birthdays, live shots, MDA, news about pancreatic cancer, it would be good for us to know how you are doing, and it really would be therapeutic for you to just journal your thoughts. That is my suggestion, for what it is worth. =)
Hugs to you, Sue. I hope to see you soon.
Happy Birthday to you Gary, I will definitely tip a beer here in West Virginia. Sue, I wish I could have been at the celebration. I really wanted to be there. I would have made the trip if I were feeling stronger. I’m glad I was able to meet Gary at Caribou Coffee back in March when I was there. I really enjoyed visiting with him. I check the blog every few days to see if there is anything new. It has become a fixture in my surfing routine. I second Kim’s suggestion about keeping the blog going. Any cancer is such a hideous disease. I lost my dad and a girlfriend to cancer and pray every day for a cure. You and Ben and your family are in my prayers everyday.
How strange that I hopped onto Gary’s blog today and it was his birthday – What made me think of you and him, I often wonder. On the 17th was the last day I saw and spoke with Uncle Edward. I can’t believe they are gone. I guess God needed his computer fixed and some cords of wood to be cut. Your mom told me about the cell phone – maybe Gary can hook God up.
Even though I never met Gary, this blog helped me get to know him even better. Keep it going, at least for yourself – tell stories from the past and keep Gary’s spirit alive. This is the best gift you can give Ben, written stories about his dad and his family. This is something you can cherish forever.
I think of you often and I can’t image what you are going through – Take care -
Ann & Warren(Ace) Johnson
Gary’s Birthday reminder came up on my Facebook and I clicked on it but have no idea where the message flew to. I hope to heaven. I’m sure it was a hard day for you to go though. It was hard for me even though I can’t remember the last time I was with him on his birthday. Happy Bithday Gary I miss you too.
My friend sent me a message that I thought was very interesting. She said that they would set a chair for the deceased family member at Holiday gathering’s and think of them sitting in the chair in Heaven.
We will definitly think of Gary being with us at Thanksgiving . I hope that you would feel up to coming to the Dell’s with Ben and being with the Hilliker clan.
Everyone would love to see you and if possible all the children. A lot of things will determine if that will happen. No matter what happens you will be in our thoughts on Thanksgiving. Love and Hugs Aunt Pat
I have thought of you often. We have prayed for your family in this tough time. I pray that God continues to give you strength. I also want to share the title of a book that our hospice shares with the children. It is called Water Bugs and Dragonflies. I found it a very comforting book. I have a copy given to me by our hospice. If you would like I could get it to you to proof for Ben. Just let me know. Take care and we will keep you in our prayers.
Hi Sue,
and also I’d love to chat with you and have some laughs when you are up to it.
Thanks for posting. You and Gary are such gifted writers. I think this will be such a treasure for you to have forever. You are right, the service was a WONDERFUL tribute. I kept wishing that we could have gotten to know Gary better. I know Michael would have really liked him and would have loved to have had a friendship with him.
The sense I have everytime I read your posts is that your love for him sustained him through the best and worst of times. You made his illness and passing as comfortable for him as possible and continued pouring your love out to him. Feel good about that, what a gift to Gary!
I hope we can have Ben over soon,Aidan and Ben have been talking about playdates
Thanks again for your beautiful posting,
Ruth (Jimenez)
Happy Birthday Gary. The twins share your birthday so we were already having a party and thought of you often. I know Dee had the family over to celebrate and remember. We miss you.
Hi Sue,
I am in amazement how your blog has helped so many people from so many miles apart stay connected. I thank you for writing in it and finding the strength to keep us all in your life. Please know you have lots of readers and everyone supports your every move.
Do you remember last year at preschool class when we would chat so much? We would ask you each day how Gary was & the one day we talked so long that you forgot he was waiting in the truck! Oh – what a trooper to put up with all of us! Maybe dig out that cookbook Ben got last year at the bookfair and cook up some fun dish! I gave your little guy a big hug at the Lincoln Halloween parade – Ben’s smile can light up anyone’s day.
We all love you and hope to see you soon. Thank you for your writings – they are so wonderful to read.